Backlash
by Orrymain
Summary: Jack and Daniel commiserate over Hathor's visit to the SGC.


Backlash Author: Orrymain Author Email: (Feedback welcome)  
Author Website: Category: Pre-Slash, Angst, H/C of the mental kind, Missing Scene/Epilogue Pairing: Jack/Daniel ... and it's all J/D Rating: PG-13 Season: 1 Spoilers: Hathor, Brief Candle, and Cold Lazarus (both minor)  
Size: 49kb Written: October 3-7,16-17,24, 2004 Summary: Jack and Daniel commiserate over Hathor's visit to the SGC.  
Disclaimer: Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't. A gal can dream though!  
Notes: 1) Silent, unspoken thoughts by various characters are indicated with in front and behind them, such as Where am I  
2) Some of the issues raised in this fic are examined again, and some more fully, in the subsequent fic, "The Need of Two." This is especially true of some of the Jack issues raised within this story.  
3) Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better: Drdjlover, QuinGem, Kat, Sue, Linda, Brandy, Claudia!  
  
Backlash by Orrymain  
  
"Daniel, why don't we go check on Fraiser and Carter's progress before we leave?" Jack asked as he picked up his jacket and put it on.  
  
Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c had just finished dressing in one of the SGC locker rooms. The base had several locker rooms of varying sizes and layouts to accommodate all the personnel.  
  
The young man nodded as he rose to his feet and started to walk out.  
  
"Daniel." He stopped and looked at Jack. "Your jacket," Jack said, nodding over to the bench where Daniel's jacket was.  
  
Daniel took a deep breath and then walked to the bench. He picked up the jacket and stared at it for moment.  
  
What's wrong, Danny? Finally, the archaeologist slipped his jacket on and again headed for the exit. Jack watched, thinking to himself that Daniel was moving in slow motion. Maybe you're just tired. I know I am.  
  
"Teal'c, coming for dinner?" Jack asked, seeing the Jaffa dressed in civvies.  
  
"I have other plans, O'Neill."  
  
"Plans? Care to share?" Jack asked inquisitively.  
  
"I do not."  
  
Jack was about to inquire about what the plans were, but the Jaffa's intense glare seemed to warn him against it, so instead, he responded, "Oooookay," and turned his attention towards his best friend. "Daniel, how about Chinese tonight?" Jack noticed the shrug of indifference Daniel gave him as they exited the locker room. Something was amiss; he just didn't know what. "There's a documentary on historic Egyptian fig..." Jack shook his head. "Forget that. We'll watch hockey."  
  
Daniel said nothing. In fact, he hadn't said anything since the briefing, and even during it, the archaeologist had been unusually quiet. In fact, the absence of Daniel's normal detailed report made the meeting uncharacteristically short, especially since Sam's review had seemed a bit short on facts as well; and now that Jack thought about it, even Janet Fraiser's report seemed a bit thin on the surface.  
  
What have I missed? Something, that's for sure. Daniel is never this quiet.  
  
Walking into another, larger locker room that included a whirlpool in the shower area, the trio saw Janet and Sam taking samples of the Goa'uld remains.  
  
Hathor had used the whirlpool, as had Jack when he was about to be, more or less, impregnated with the Goa'uld larva that had been spawned by Hathor and her reluctant partner. When Sam had led the uprising that had secured the SGC, the larval Goa'uld were destroyed, fried in a fire in the whirlpool. It was these remains that Janet and Sam were taking samples of.  
  
"Did you find anything?"  
  
Janet answered, "Probably nothing we can use. Maybe we'll at least get a cellular-level analysis on the Goa'ulds, maybe even find some DNA information."  
  
Daniel stared down where the two females were working. He felt nervous and uncomfortable and wished he could shrivel up and hide inside the oversized jacket he was wearing. He hated to say it, but Janet would find out soon enough, so the archaeologist spoke up, revealing, "A lot of that will probably be mine."  
  
Seated on the bench, Jack looked up at Daniel. He made a face and said, "Eww." There is definitely a story here, and it's not pleasant!  
  
"Yeah."  
  
At that moment, General Hammond entered. Jack immediately stood.  
  
Sam wanted to explain again about hitting Hammond, something she had been forced to do as she led the women in her plan to retake control of the SGC from Hathor, the Egyptian goddess of "sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll" as Jack called her. Freed from her sarcophagus in a Mayan temple, the Goa'uld had immediately gone to the SGC, claiming she had been drawn to the Stargate.  
  
Once there, she had taken control, her strange allure over the male personnel leaving it up to the women to figure out what was happening and to solve the problem. It was Sam's research on the computer that had given them their first clue as to the way in which Hathor maintained her influence over the men.  
  
Flashback/  
Sitting in front of a computer, Sam called up the information and read it to Janet who stood nearby.  
  
"According to the stories, this woman had magical powers over men. She was supposed to be able to seduce them into doing anything for her. In almost every case, it describes them as 'drunk with her presence'."  
  
Janet responded, "Well, that would be how I'd describe our boys."  
  
"Yeah. Now I figure she's using some form of Goa'uld technology. Any ideas?"  
  
Janet thought and answered, "My guess would be some sort of chemical we've never seen, a sort of super pheromones combined with something like Sodium Pentothal; probably airborne delivery." End of Flashback  
  
Eventually, the female personnel, led by Sam and Janet, with help from Teal'c whose symbiote protected him from being affected by Hathor's 'poison', were able to drive Hathor from the SGC. Her control over the men ended with her departure, all of them returning to their own senses almost immediately.  
  
Hammond interrupted Sam's explanation.  
  
"Captain, I'm putting you and Doctor Fraiser up for a commendation medal." He saw the shock on both women's faces and continued, "If you hadn't kept your wits about you and done whatever was necessary, we could have put this entire planet at risk. Good job, ladies."  
  
"Thank you, Sir," Sam said, smiling.  
  
Hammond walked out. Jack smiled and acknowledged the accomplishment of Sam and Janet.  
  
"Nice job."  
  
"Yeah," Daniel added.  
  
You just can't stop talking, can you, Danny? Your DNA? I'm so not liking the sound of this. "Well, ladies, we're off. Good luck with the tests."  
  
"Thank you, Sir," Janet responded.  
  
"Goodnight," Sam added.  
  
"Teal'c, need a ride?"  
  
"I do not."  
  
"Well ... have fun. Tell me all about it later."  
  
"I will not, O'Neill."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Would you like to tell me about your experiences with Kynthia on ...?"  
  
"Have a good time, Teal'c," Jack said with a nervous smile. "Daniel, let's go."  
  
"Night, Sam. Night, Janet," Daniel said, turning and following Jack out the door. "Goodnight, Teal'c."  
  
"You know I think that's the most you've said all night," Jack said as they walked to the elevator.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing. Danny, I forgot something in my office. I'll meet you upstairs."  
  
The elevator doors opened, and Daniel got in, leaving Jack behind. Jack didn't really like the thought of leaving Daniel alone; something told him that was the last thing he should do; yet, at the same time, he needed to get to the bottom of what was wrong, and he had a strong suspicion his 2IC knew more than she had let on in the briefing. The Colonel returned to the locker room.  
  
"Carter, do you have a minute?"  
  
"I thought you left, Sir."  
  
"I came back."  
  
Sam nodded, excused herself, and followed Jack into the hallway. He looked around to make sure they were alone and far enough away so that Janet couldn't overhear their conversation.  
  
"Carter, in the briefing, Daniel's report was not exactly his normal, unending 'when will this ever end' essay."  
  
"I ... noticed that."  
  
"Yours seemed to be a bit vague in places, too." Sam looked away. "Carter?"  
  
"Sir, everything that needed to be said was."  
  
Jack looked down, fidgeting slightly, then he looked back at his 2IC.  
  
"Tell me what didn't need to be said." Jack saw the hesitation in Sam's eyes. She looked down, then off to the side, and she bounced for a second on the balls of her feet, something she often did when especially nervous about something. "I'll make it an order if I have to, Carter."  
  
Jack didn't want to force Sam to break a confidence, but he was willing do to whatever was necessary to help Daniel.  
  
Sam took a breath.  
  
"Sir, when we were searching the base for Hathor, we found ..."  
  
"Found what?"  
  
"Not what, who."  
  
I know I'm not going to like this. "Okay, who?"  
  
"Daniel."  
  
"Daniel?"  
  
"On a ... bed in one of the rooms."  
  
"Bed?"  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"Doing what?" Jack asked more sharply.  
  
"Just ... sitting, staring at nothing."  
  
"Carter!" Jack warned.  
  
"He was catatonic. There was no response to anything I said. He just stared. He ... Sir, the bed was messed up, sheets crumpled; a lamp turned over on the side table. Daniel's clothes and appearance were, um, like he had just gotten dressed ... and, uh, well, there was a scent of ..."  
  
Jack actually stepped back. He knew his own experience with Hathor had been bad, but all he had been forced to do was kiss the femme fatale. It sounded now like Daniel had been forced to do much more than that. He closed his eyes.  
  
"I felt guilty, Sir, that we couldn't stay, but there wasn't any time. The next time I saw him, he was fine."  
  
"You mean he seemed fine."  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"Colonel, Janet and I talked about it before we went into the briefing. We felt it was Daniel's place to bring it up. He didn't, so we didn't either. Maybe we should have."  
  
Jack took a deeper breath. He had mixed emotions about how to proceed. Not knowing what the future held, part of him thought they needed to include all the facts in the report, no matter how painful; the other part of him was concerned for the emotional wellbeing of his best friend.  
  
"Listen, Carter, for now, status quo. We might amend the reports later, but not unless you hear from me. Understood?"  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"No. Carter, I am ordering you and Doctor Fraiser not to include what you saw in your reports."  
  
"Understood, Sir." Covering our sixes after the fact? Thank you, Sir, but not necessary.  
  
"See you in a few days."  
  
Jack headed for the parking level, expecting to find Daniel waiting, but instead, all he found was his truck with a small note placed on it that said, "Went home. Have a good downtime."  
  
Running, aren't you, Danny? I don't know. Maybe you do need some time alone. I know how that is, except I also know it's not the answer.  
  
He folded the note, put it in his pocket, and then opened his truck. He got inside and started to turn on the ignition, but his hand slipped off the wheel. He leaned his head back, and suddenly felt like he might throw up.  
  
Geez, Danny, I know what you're feeling. I wish I could have protected you from it. Crap, you don't deserve that nightmare. No one does; no one.  
  
Jack regrouped, started the truck, and headed home.  
  
Jack had eaten dinner, but hadn't enjoyed a single bite of his supreme pizza. He tried to watch a video of a baseball game he'd missed, but he couldn't stay focused on it.  
  
Forget the being alone crap.  
  
His decision made, he turned everything off and headed for Daniel's apartment. When he got there, he knocked on the door, but there wasn't an answer.  
  
"Daniel?" Jack knocked harder. "Daniel, open the door."  
  
Jack heard the sound of the latch being moved. Slowly, the door opened. The archaeologist stood there, just staring. His shaggy hair was mussed, his shirt open, and Jack could see the weariness in the young man's eyes.  
  
"Danny?"  
  
"Go home, Jack."  
  
Daniel started to close the door, but Jack barged in, walking by Daniel.  
  
"Can't do that."  
  
Daniel sighed and closed the door. He turned around and walked a few feet towards Jack who had taken a seat on the sofa. Self-hugging from his emotional distress, Daniel stood rigidly, tension emanating from his body.  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
"Why shouldn't I be here?"  
  
"It's late. I'm tired. I'd like to go to bed."  
  
"Go."  
  
"Jack, what do you want?" Daniel asked, a hint of exasperation in his voice.  
  
"I was thinking we could get a pizza and ..."  
  
"It's late."  
  
"Daniel, it's only eight o'clock; that's not late."  
  
"It is when you've just been ..."  
  
"Been what?"  
  
Daniel hesitated, buttoned up his shirt, and walked towards the kitchen area. He looked down and again went into a self-hug, only his hold on his arms was even tighter than before.  
  
"Through what we've been through," he answered softly.  
  
"Sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll."  
  
Daniel looked at his friend and smiled. Jack noticed that the smile didn't reach his eyes.  
  
"Something like that."  
  
I'm going to get you through this, Danny. Trust me; I know what I'm talking about. We start with a diversion, and then later, we'll deal with the part that no one wants to remember. Jack stood and walked to Daniel. He placed the palms of his hands on the young man's shoulders and smiled. "That's history. Right now, Dannyboy, it's time to party."  
  
"Party? Jack, I ..."  
  
"Let's go, Daniel," Jack said, going into Daniel's bedroom and returning with a jacket he'd pulled from the closet.  
  
"Not ... not that one," Daniel said shyly, taking the jacket back to his bedroom and emerging a minute later wearing Jack's old brown coat, the one he'd given Daniel on his first night back from Abydos.  
  
"Well, it's warm," Jack commented, not knowing what else to say about the ratty old coat that had definitely seen better days.  
  
"Yeah, it's, uh, warmer than the other one," Daniel claimed.  
  
Is it? I don't see how, but ... whatever you say. "Okay, let's go."  
  
Reluctantly, Daniel succumbed to the wishes of his friend and followed Jack to his house. Jack had wanted Daniel to leave his car, but Daniel refused, and since Jack hadn't wanted to risk the archaeologist changing his mind about coming to the house, he hadn't pressed the issue.  
  
En route, they stopped and picked up a large supreme pizza.  
  
"Back again, Colonel?" the clerk asked.  
  
Jack coughed as Daniel gave him a funny look, then shrugged innocently and said awkwardly, "You know me; can't get enough of good pizza."  
  
"Right." As they walked back to their vehicles, Daniel said, "I thought we were having Chinese."  
  
"That was before you bolted from the SGC. Costly error, Doctor Jackson."  
  
"Oh."  
  
For the first time since the whole Hathor chain of events started, Daniel felt a flash of warmth and comfort run through him. He still couldn't believe that Jack had actually come to see how he was, and their little exchange over food had brought a tinge of normalcy back into his life.  
  
"Jack?" Daniel stared at the cold pizza that still sat on Jack's counter.  
  
Jack shrugged, walked by Daniel with the new pizza, and said, "Wonder how that got here."  
  
"Yeah, I wonder. That, uh, clerk said you'd been there already."  
  
"I have ... lots of times."  
  
"Of course. That explains it."  
  
Daniel smiled and took a seat at the counter. It was obvious that this was Jack's second pizza of the night. Somehow, that filled the young man with warmth, too.  
  
"Think you got enough beer?"  
  
"Didn't want to run out."  
  
"Having a party?"  
  
"Maybe. Why don't you take off your coat," Jack said as more of a statement than a question.  
  
"No, I ... I'm a little cold." Please, I need it on. It ... makes me feel better. Don't make me tell you that. Gawd, please don't, Jack.  
  
"So, quite an image, the Doc running around the SGC with all that firepower."  
  
"Yeah, I guess so. Sam said she ... well, she kinda thought Janet got a kick out of it; I mean, not the why, but ..."  
  
"Flexing her muscles," Jack suggested.  
  
"Something like that."  
  
"Who would have guessed it, Danny: Janet Fraiser, the SGC's secret little Rambo, female style."  
  
"It would have been something to see."  
  
"I thought you did see her."  
  
"What? I, uh ... I don't remember," Daniel said, looking away.  
  
No, you don't remember, because you were doing an imitation of a vegetable at the time. And where was I? Not where I should have been, that's for sure. I let you down ... again, but I won't let you down tonight. It won't be easy, but we'll get through this, together.  
  
For the next hour, Jack and Daniel ate pizza and sipped on a couple of beers. They chatted about inconsequential things, subjects mostly unrelated to the SGC. Jack, however, was concentrating on his friend. He hadn't missed the fidgeting, the almost constant self-hugging, the fact that Daniel hadn't removed his coat, and the most crucial thing ... Daniel's eyes: distant, sad, full of regret, guilt, and even hopelessness.  
  
Your eyes give you away, Daniel. I learned that about you almost from the day we met. You're hiding, keeping it all in. I can't let you do that tonight. For the good of the team ... for ... you. Jack stretched and walked into the living room. "Good pizza."  
  
"Yes, it was. I should go now."  
  
"Nah. Let's go look at the stars."  
  
"Jack ..."  
  
"Daniel, the roof."  
  
Daniel considered arguing, but why bother? Jack would just follow and pester him to death, so he went along. He'd do his time on the roof deck and then go home, home to his private nightmare and his solitude.  
  
Jack will be sick of me by then anyway. Gawd, I'm sick of me. What kind of man am I, anyway?  
  
"So then Kawalsky dropped his pants, handed her his boxers, and said, 'Will these do?' I was sure she'd report us, but she didn't."  
  
Daniel laughed softly.  
  
"It was probably your charm that kept her from turning you two in."  
  
"Charm, eh? Sara said I was charming, but that was a long time ago," Jack said, taking another swig. A very long time ago. Don't start, O'Neill. He's your best friend. Don't friggin' blow it by letting him know you ... care more than you should. Geez, do not think about that now.  
  
"Jack, are you okay? You looked a little ... I don't know ... sad."  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
Daniel took another sip of his beer. He wondered if Jack's melancholic mood was because he missed his wife, or was she his ex-wife now? Jack didn't talk about Sara very much, but Daniel believed he was still in love with her. He also believed Sara returned Jack's feelings, based on what he had seen at the hospital after the situation with the crystalline entity.  
"Maybe you should call Sara. I think she still loves you."  
  
"Call Sara? Oh, uh, no." Jack shrugged. "That's over, Danny."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Me, too." In some ways, but not in others. "Danny, we need to talk, but I need to go to the bathroom. Beer," he laughed, adding, "I'll be back."  
  
When Jack returned, Daniel was gone. He left a note that said simply, "Tired. Need sleep. I'll call you tomorrow."  
  
"Crap, Daniel."  
  
Jack sat down in his chair and stared out into the distance. Once again he found himself going through a debate, deciding whether to chase Daniel down again or just let it go. Maybe Daniel did need to be alone. Maybe. He briefly tried to remember if solitude had helped, but a stabbing feeling in his gut stopped his efforts. He couldn't think about it, not yet.  
  
As the clock approached eleven, Jack was still sitting on the roof, holding the same beer he'd picked up when Daniel had left. He was still debating, and then suddenly, violently, he tossed the bottle against the rail. As he did so, he stood up and said loudly, "No! For crying out loud, Daniel, you do NOT need to be alone right now."  
  
Being alone does not work; that I remember clearly.  
  
Jack turned, prepared to chase down the archaeologist, but stopped cold when he came face to face with him. His heart stopped beating from the shock. He hadn't been caught that off-guard in a very long time.  
  
"Daniel?"  
  
"You're right." Daniel's breathing was visibly labored. He'd been sitting outside the front of Jack's front door, unable to make himself go any further. He was so used to doing things alone, to being alone, but over the last year, Jack had always been there for him, and he was hoping that this time wouldn't be any different. Tears began to run down his face. "She ... help me, Jack. Please, help me," he cried.  
  
In a flash, Jack crossed the deck and took his friend into his arms.  
  
"It'll be okay."  
  
"She ... gawd," Daniel said, trembling at the nightmare he was reliving now.  
  
He pulled away from Jack and ran to the railing. His hands held on to it with a death grip.  
  
"I should have fought her. I tried, but not enough."  
  
"Danny, you couldn't fight her. None of us could. We were drugged."  
  
"Don't you understand?" Daniel turned around quickly to face Jack. "She didn't just tell me what to do. SHE RAPED ME!"  
  
The younger man was full of rage and guilt, anger and fear, and so much more. He thought his words would shock Jack, but instead, the older man simply responded, "I know."  
  
"Wha...what?"  
  
Daniel felt completely drained of energy. He couldn't believe that Jack had found out. He thought no one knew the truth, but Jack's words cut through him like a sword cutting his legs off at the knees. He collapsed to the ground. Jack hurried to him, kneeling down and placing his hands on Daniel's shaking shoulders. He saw the falling tears, heard the heartbroken cries, and the sound broke his own heart.  
  
"Carter and the Doc found you in the room. From what she said, it was pretty obvious what had gone on."  
  
"Jack," Daniel cried, his entire body shaking, tears increasing, and shaking his head, wanting to deny it all, but not being able to. "Ja...Jack," he stuttered.  
  
The older man closed his eyes, hating the torment Daniel was feeling. He rubbed Daniel's back and just held on as tightly as he could.  
  
"Why? Why did she do that?"  
  
"Because she's a witch. I won't let her hurt you again, Danny," Jack heard himself promise. Careful, Jack; help him. Don't confuse him.  
  
"Sha're. How do I tell her that I cheated on her?"  
  
"Cheated?" Jack pushed Daniel back to look into his eyes. "Daniel, listen to me. You're a genius. I know you know the difference between consensual sex and rape."  
  
"I should have fought her."  
  
"You tried."  
  
"I did, but not hard enough, or she ... I must not have tried that hard."  
  
"Daniel, you were drugged. You couldn't fight her."  
  
"Sha're's my wife. I ..."  
  
"Danny. Look. Sha're is being forced to do things she doesn't want to do. We've ... talked about that before. Are you going to hold that against her when we get her back?"  
  
"No, of course not," Daniel answered without hesitation. "Apophis is forcing her to ... to ... she'd never ... not of her own free will."  
  
"You're right. She loves you, and she'd never betray you. I may not have known her that well, but what I do know is that Sha're's a good woman; she's strong, Danny, and she'll understand, just as you understand. What's happening to her, and what happened to you, is the same thing."  
  
"I wanted to fight. I wanted her off of me. I couldn't get her to stop," Daniel sobbed.  
  
Jack hugged Daniel, keeping him close.  
  
"Let it out, Danny. Go ahead. Let it all out."  
  
"It's so easy for you," Daniel accused, suddenly letting his anger take hold of his emotions. He stood up, moving so that his back was against the railing. "She violated me! You can't just make that go away."  
  
"I know, but it will get better. You'll go on. Maybe you'll never forget it, but it'll become a ... footnote in your life. You have to let that happen. Forgive yourself, Danny, because it wasn't your fault."  
  
"YOU'RE FULL OF IT, O'NEILL. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! YOU STAND THERE AND TELL ME SHA'RE WILL UNDERSTAND. YOU ACT SO CALM. GAWD, IT WON'T EVER BE ALL RIGHT. FORGIVE MYSELF? SHE FREAKIN' RAPED ME, AND I LET IT HAPPEN. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT? NOTHING, JACK. NOTHING. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"  
  
Daniel darted around Jack and headed for the ladder, determined to return home.  
  
"I know what you know, Daniel. I know exactly how you feel ... and then some."  
  
With his hands on the ladder, Daniel froze. He'd heard the tone, rather than the words. He turned slowly to look at Jack, who hadn't moved. As they stood now, Jack's back was to Daniel.  
  
"You ... know?" He saw Jack swallow hard and nod. Slowly, Daniel walked a few steps towards the older man. "What ... what do you mean ... you know?"  
  
Jack took a breath and turned around, needing to look away, but then he turned again and stared into Daniel's eyes. Very matter-of-factly, Jack answered, "Because in another lifetime, I was raped."  
  
Daniel was in total shock.  
  
"Yyyyou?"  
  
"You see, it can happen to anyone, and it did happen to me. Details aren't important, and it wasn't a Goa'uld, but I didn't have a choice. I was drugged, and I couldn't fight them either."  
  
"Tttthem?" To Daniel's horror, he saw Jack's nervous blink. He knew his friend was about to say something, but when Jack opened his mouth, nothing came out. "More than one?"  
  
As Daniel watched, Jack regrouped, straightening his shoulders, taking a deep breath, and clearing his throat before he spoke next.  
  
"It wasn't pretty, Daniel. Look, the point is, I do know what you're feeling. It's not going to disappear over night, but the pain will lessen, and you do have to forgive yourself, because if you don't, it'll fester until it destroys you. You were raped, violated in the most intimate way possible. You didn't give that ... lowlife anything, Danny. She took, and that's ... meaningless. Sha're will understand. You did nothing wrong, and you have nothing ... NOTHING ... to feel guilty about."  
  
"Gawd, Jack, I'm so sorry."  
  
"Me, too. Uh," Jack had lost more composure than he intended. "How about a beer?"  
  
Daniel nodded, and the two sat down in the chairs Jack had on his deck. They moved them closer together.  
  
"Hathor's a real witch."  
  
"The worst kind," Daniel agreed.  
  
Both men took a swig of beer.  
  
Daniel added, "It was probably the only way she could get any."  
  
Jack chuckled, "You're right. Not even the Goa'uld want her. No one missed her apparently."  
  
"Nope, no one," Daniel said as both took several swigs of beer.  
  
"Not much of a kisser," Jack said, shaking his head and making a sour face.  
  
"Not much good at it, either," Daniel said, his attempted joke turning serious. Not that I have a lot to compare it with, but ...  
  
Daniel couldn't sit any longer and stood looking over the edge of the roof deck. Uncharacteristically, he threw his empty beer bottle against the railing, causing it to break. His hands again gripped the rail. Jack hurried to him, putting his left hand on his friend's back.  
  
"Is this what Sha're feels like all the time, Jack? For me, it's over, and we can sit here and ... and drink beer and ... gawd, laugh, but she's still out there, and he's ... you know he's ... something of the hosts survives. She knows, Jack. I know she knows."  
  
"I wish that wasn't true."  
  
Daniel looked at Jack.  
  
"You're not going to tell me she doesn't feel it?"  
  
"I'll never lie to you, Danny. I don't know what Sha're feels or doesn't feel, but from what we've seen and heard, on some level, she might. I just don't know."  
  
"It hurts, Jack. I want to save her."  
  
"We will."  
  
"Jack ..."  
  
Jack pulled Daniel into his arms. The young man was again full of tears. His right hand clinched Jack's shirt, and gently they sank down to the deck and leaned against the railing.  
  
Daniel's sobs bore into Jack's soul. He wanted so desperately to make it better, but he didn't know how, so he simply held on. He didn't offer platitudes, but he did get some reassurance from knowing that he'd always be there for Daniel, and that someday, they'd bring Sha're home and end her nightmare.  
  
"Ha...Hathor ... I tried so hard to get away. I couldn't move. I wanted to."  
  
"I know."  
  
"It was like ... I don't know, being under a spell. Why couldn't I fight her, Jack? I let her get on top of me, and ..."  
  
"No, Danny, that's wrong. You didn't let her do anything. You were as incapable of stopping her as I was when she tried to make me mom to the ... geez, baby snakes."  
  
"Gawd, Jack, I'm sorry. We haven't talked at all about that. I'm being so," he swallowed hard, "sel...selfish."  
  
"Daniel, all she made me do was kiss her. What she forced you to do is in an entirely different league. No apologies. I won't let you do that. Go on. Tell me what you're feeling."  
  
"Hate. I hate her, Jack. I want her ... I ... I want her to suffer. I've never felt that way about anyone before, except maybe Apophis, but I ... I do. I wish ..."  
  
"What do you wish, Danny?"  
  
Daniel's hand pulled on Jack's shirt. He hated himself right now as much as he hated Hathor. Daniel Jackson was a sensitive man; he wasn't used to the bitter hatred he now felt deep inside of his soul.  
  
"I wish you could have killed her."  
  
"Some day," Jack said softly.  
  
Daniel heard but didn't react. He couldn't. He knew he should object, but right now, he wanted her dead, and he wanted his friend to protect him, regardless of how some might perceive it.  
  
The young man settled a little in Jack's arms which were wrapped around him tightly.  
  
"She won't hurt you anymore, Danny. I won't let her."  
  
"Can't ... promise that."  
  
"I can sure as heck try, and you know me when I make my mind up about something."  
  
"Stu...stubbbbbborn," he sniffled.  
  
"Like a mule."  
  
After several minutes, Daniel had calmed, and Jack had hoped he would fall asleep and maybe find a few minutes of peace, but then, suddenly, Daniel's thoughts raced with the trauma again.  
  
"Jack, it wasn't even just ... calm. I mean, she ... it was almost ... violent. She's ... aggressive. Gawd," he cried, literally burying his face in Jack's shoulder.  
  
Jack held on even tighter.  
  
"Not your fault, Daniel. If you hear nothing else I say tonight, you hear this. It was not your fault. She took your free will away. She raped you. You had no freedom of choice. She violated you, Danny. You are not to blame, and you have absolutely nothing ... do you hear me? ... NOTHING to feel guilty about. That witch will die, Daniel. Someday, I am going to make her pay for this."  
  
"Not ... my fault."  
  
Daniel's voice was still hesitant, as if expecting Jack to suddenly disagree with him.  
  
"Not one second of it. You're the victim."  
  
Jack's voice was the opposite of Daniel's; it was strong, confident, assured, conveying nothing but total belief in the younger man.  
  
"I want it out of my mind. I can't get her out of my head. Jaaaaack," the sobs began again, and like before, Jack held on.  
  
Finally, Daniel fell asleep as Jack rocked him gently. The young man's hold on Jack's shirt was still taut. Jack attempted to move Daniel's hand, but his hold was like a death grip.  
  
"Okay, you hang on. That's fine with me because ... I don't plan to let go. Sleep, Danny. You ... sleep."  
  
Jack's chin rested on the top of Daniel's head, and he continued to hold Daniel as tight as he could. The younger man needed lots of assurance that he wasn't alone, and Jack aimed to give it to him.  
  
"Sleep, Danny. I'm here, and ... I'll take care of you. I'll always take care of you, Danny. I ... I promise."  
  
A little after 5 a.m., Daniel awoke, slowly realizing Jack was still holding him. He felt remarkably safe with his friend's arms around him, and there was a warmth there that he couldn't identify. After the recent trauma, however, Daniel didn't care; he just let the good feeling flow through him.  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"Right here."  
  
"You're, uh, holding me."  
  
"Just keeping you safe."  
  
Daniel sighed contently, his body relaxing into Jack's hold.  
  
"You know something?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I ... feel safe."  
  
"You are."  
  
"I want a beer."  
  
Jack chuckled.  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Yes, now, but I don't want to move either," Daniel admitted.  
  
Jack reached over and grabbed his telescope.  
  
"Jack!"  
  
"You said you didn't want to move!"  
  
He took the scope off its pod and then used the pod to pull the cooler over. He reached in, pulled out a beer, and with the finesse of a champion beer drinker, opened the bottle with one hand. He handed the beer to his best friend.  
  
"One beer."  
  
"Gawd, you're crazy."  
  
"That's ... possible."  
  
The two laughed, and Daniel drank his beer as if he were drinking coffee, downing it in just a few minutes.  
  
"More!"  
  
"Now who's crazy?" Jack asked. Suddenly, Daniel, chuckled. Sounds nice. "What's so funny?"  
  
"You almost had my baby," Daniel said with a snort.  
  
"Ewww," Jack reacted teasingly.  
  
"I'd demand visitation rights," Daniel joked.  
  
"Only if you pay child support."  
  
Daniel sighed, amazed they'd been able to joke and laugh over anything. He shifted out of Jack's hold and got another beer. He couldn't seem to get enough of this drink he was not really all that fond of.  
  
After a few quick swigs, he said, "Thank you, Jack. No nightmares."  
  
Not tonight anyway.  
  
Jack drank a beer with his friend, and over the next two hours, they drank beer after beer, sharing more of their miseries. Daniel cursed the Goa'uld who had left him with the torment ripping through his soul, and he mourned for his wife whom he knew was suffering through a continual torment of her own.  
  
"Rape after rape, that's what she's living with," he said with regret. "It's just not fair for her to suffer like this because of me."  
  
"Daniel ..."  
  
"No, Jack. Look, you can say a lot of things, and I ... I heard what you said about Hathor, but ... if I had buried the Gate, none of this would have happened. Sha're would be safe. You can't change that truth."  
  
Jack stood and stretched, taking another drink of beer. He looked down at Daniel and said, "Maybe, but Daniel, we can't live with 'if's'. You have no way of knowing what life would have been like on Abydos if you had buried the Gate."  
  
"The old ... hit by a car or falling over dead thing?"  
  
"Yeah. You turn right instead of left ... the world changes. Don't do that to yourself. Trust me, I've ... dabbled in that one myself."  
  
"Charlie," Daniel said quietly.  
  
"There are a thousand what if's for my son. I hate them all," Jack said, bitterness creeping into his voice.  
  
"I'm sorry, Jack."  
  
"Daniel, so help me, you have to stop being sorry for everything. The burdens of the world are not on your shoulders. Charlie ... that's my burden, my what if, my nightmare, and I live with it twenty-four/seven. It's not a good way to live, Daniel."  
  
"Then ... stop. I mean ... you know what I mean."  
  
"Easier said than done. I can't forgive myself." Jack sighed. "I guess maybe I understand how you feel about Sha're, but we're both wrong, Danny. We're both dead wrong."  
  
Jack sat down on one of the chairs and finished off another beer, as did Daniel. They watched the sunrise in silence. Both were close to drunkenness, if they weren't actually there already.  
  
"Dannnniel?" Jack finally called out.  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"Bed?"  
  
"Oh. Home. Must go ... uh, home."  
  
"Can't drive. Sleep here."  
  
"No, I ... Jack, I want to be alone for a while."  
  
"Can't let you drive."  
  
"I'll call a cab."  
  
"Danny, stay here."  
  
"I'll come back tomorrow."  
  
"It is tomorrow."  
  
"Oh yeah. I forgot," Daniel smiled. "I'll come back later today. I ... I promise, okay? I ... Jack, I really need to ... sort this out a little ... by myself."  
  
"Danny, I think you should stay. Not a good idea to be alone right now."  
  
"I can't. Jack, I ... I couldn't have gotten through the night without you, but now I ... I need to this be with myself. Please understand."  
  
"I don't like this, Daniel."  
  
"You worry too much. I'm a grown man, Jack."  
  
"I know that; it's just ... I ... worry."  
  
Jack gave his friend a soft smile, admitting his emotions through his expression, if nothing else.  
  
"Thank you, Jack. I've never had a friend like you. I'm going to go call a taxi."  
  
"Danny ..."  
  
"Jack, please. I know you're thinking about locking me in that room or something, but please, I need some space, just for a little while."  
  
Reluctantly, Jack nodded, and Daniel headed for the phone.  
  
I should lock you up. Being alone; it's not good. The nightmares just come in daydreams that are just as chilling.  
  
"Taxi's here. I'll ... call you tomorrow, uh, I mean later today."  
  
"Don't forget, Danny. Lunch?" Jack suggested.  
  
"Jack, I think we'll both be asleep. I mean, lunch is what ... three hours from now."  
  
"Will we be asleep?"  
  
"I ... I don't know."  
  
"Danny, don't go. You shouldn't be alone."  
  
"I'm not. I have friends, like you. Thank you, Jack, for making me talk about ... what happened. I ... about you, I ..."  
  
"Long time ago. Someday, this'll be a long time ago, too."  
  
Daniel nodded and walked out the door. It was 8 a.m., and Jack watched as the younger man walked to the cab. Daniel opened the door and looked back. He smiled weakly, as did Jack, and then Daniel was gone.  
  
Jack locked the door and returned to the roof deck. He replayed the torment Daniel had just lived through, and their conversation -- all the aches and struggles the younger man was feeling. Daniel had told Jack everything he remembered, every sordid little detail, and Jack ached inside. His soul cried just as it had when Charlie had died.  
  
"I love you, Danny. I'll kill her. I swear, if I ever get the chance, I will break ... her ... neck."  
  
Jack broke down, releasing a volume of tears he had been holding in, wanting and needing to be the proverbial pillar of strength for his friend, his friend who was so much more: he was the man Jack O'Neill had fallen in love with.  
  
Thus, Jack hadn't cried when Daniel was there. Instead, he'd focused on being strong, and on comforting, but now that he was alone all his anger and sadness at what Daniel had gone through erupted into a waterfall of tears that Jack couldn't stop. He didn't even try. He stayed on the deck, letting the emotion out, a non-stop release of tears, until two hours later, when the call of mother nature was too hard to resist, he literally forced himself to stop.  
  
Finally, he went inside his house. He showered and changed, and then sat quietly on the sofa, not knowing what to do with himself. He had cried for hours, surprising himself.  
  
Didn't know I could cry like that anymore, but ... I won't let her hurt you ever again.  
  
Jack relaxed back against the cushion, looking up at the ceiling.  
  
I love you, Daniel, but I can't let you know that. It's the last thing you need, but that snake had better not come near you again.  
  
Jack heard the knocker bang against his wooden door. He looked at the clock: 10:58 a.m.  
  
"GO AWAY!"  
  
He was tired and drained, and the only person he wanted to see he knew wouldn't be knocking on the door, at least not yet. Daniel wouldn't be back for hours. In fact, Jack was positive Daniel would lock himself away until Jack forced him out for dinner, even if they had talked about having lunch together. He was sure of it.  
  
Jack was surprised when he heard the doorknob move. He considered getting his gun to shoot whomever it was, but then decided he'd just as soon die. Life was sometimes way too painful.  
  
"I was hoping you didn't really mean 'go away' like you said," a hesitant voice spoke softly.  
  
"Daniel!" Jack said, a smile appearing on his face. "I ... what are you doing here?"  
  
"I brought breakfast," he answered, holding up a large box of Krispy Kreme donuts.  
  
"KK's?" Jack asked, perking up dramatically as he stood to hug his friend.  
  
"All your favorites!" Daniel said, happy to feel the warmth of Jack's friendship, even though he still wasn't all that comfortable with physical touch.  
  
Jack took the box and smelled the hot, fresh donuts.  
  
"Oh, Danny, a man after my own heart; uh, I mean ... I love these," Jack struggled to cover his comment.  
  
"Sometimes, Jack, you make no sense."  
  
"I'm old."  
  
"No, you're not."  
  
Jack smiled.  
  
"You haven't been gone very long. How ya doing, Danny?"  
  
"I ... you were right. I don't want to be alone anymore, but ... thank you for letting me leave this morning. I wasn't sure you would."  
  
"I almost didn't."  
  
"I know, but I did need to be by myself, just for a little while."  
  
"And now?"  
  
"And now ..." Daniel walked over to stand next to Jack. He opened the box of donuts to show off the selections, which were indeed all of Jack's favorites. "Now, I need to be with my ... best friend. I need to talk about the nightmare some more. I may even need to ..."  
  
"Cry?"  
  
"Maybe. I can only do that with you. I realized when I went home that while it helped to sort things out a little, it helped more to be here, talking about it, no matter how painful that was. I guess that's why therapy works for people."  
  
"I don't know about that," Jack said. "You know me and words; not my thing."  
  
"Jack, that's bull. You're great with words, with me, anyway."  
  
"So, breakfast ... lunch ... dinner ..."  
  
"And ... breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if ... I mean ..."  
  
Daniel was still unsure of himself, terrified of wearing out his welcome.  
  
"We'll get drunk. Full out drunk."  
  
"After we talk."  
  
"So we can talk," Jack clarified.  
  
"I want you to tell me what happened to you," Daniel said firmly.  
  
"Danny, it was a very long time ago, and ..."  
  
"Jack, I don't need details, but just ... feelings. Can you do that? For ... for me?" Daniel asked tentatively.  
  
I'd do anything for you. "Okay, one time, after we get drunk."  
  
"After," Daniel agreed.  
  
"So, my twisties in there?"  
  
"Right here."  
  
"Mmm, these are great. Real food."  
  
"Jack, donuts are not real food."  
  
"Sure, they are; they're the best, except for Froot Loops, of course. Nothing beats Loops!"  
  
"Froot Loops? You're a Froot Loops addict."  
  
"You're a coffee fiend."  
  
"Pretzel binger!"  
  
"Chocaholic!"  
  
"Beer belly-to-be if you keep drinking so much."  
  
"Danny?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm glad you came over."  
  
"You just want the donuts."  
  
No, I want you. "No, I like the company."  
  
Daniel smiled, and then the two settled into forty-eight hours of togetherness that only best friends could share. There were ups and downs, tears and laughter, hugs and a few fights. It was their norm, but at the end of the day, they were Jack and Daniel, survivors of one more nightmare, but more importantly, they were best friends, helping each other through one of their toughest times ever. After all, that's what friends are for.  
  
Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really? 


End file.
